Where is Happiness…?

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go.

 —Martha Washington

Dear readers, I am so pleased to meet with you once again this month.  October is the beginning of winter here in Kuwait and, for many, this amazing weather does wonders to the mood.  Personally, I look forward to this time of year and eagerly await the rain which brings me much joy.

As a life and business success coach, many seek my advice and expertise in the area of life as they strive to achieve their goals in hopes of reaching their happiness.  In fact, as humans, we all want to go back to the point in the past that made us happy or move forward to a point in the future, where we achieve our desired goal, which takes us to that happy place.  In actuality, our whole lives are spent seeking joy and happiness but many of us are unaware of the true nature of the goal we are striving to achieve.      

Let’s begin with the basics.  A very important fact to understand is that men and women require very different things to make them happy.  Sadly, due to the lack of awareness of biological differences between males and females, clashes and misunderstandings occur.  As a coach, I truly believe that the first step in achieving happiness is an understanding of the reality of the situation.  So, what does happiness mean to a Martian male vs. a Venusian female? 

As Martians, men primarily need to feel important and successful both at work and at home.  In fact, Martians have a requirement to prove their place in all their surroundings, be it at work or within a group of friends.  Additionally, he must feel that his Venusian, at home, thinks highly of him.  He is happiest when he feels like he is number one and feels very unhappy at being ‘average’.  From the moment he wakes in the morning to the end of his day, he is comparing himself against other men in terms of achievement, intelligence, wealth, etc…  For a Martian, the more successful he experience pure happiness.

When Martians feel successful, their body chemistry changes.  When he is happy and feels like he is number one, he has raised testosterone levels.  Contrastingly, when he feels less than successful, he becomes stressed, and his cortisol levels increase while his testosterone levels decrease.  As soon as there is a problem, the Martian will retreat into his cave to recharge and reduce his stress. 

Venusians, if you find your Martian in the cave, understand that it is not about you and give him his space until he comes out alone.  When he does come out, remind him, in your own loving way, how special he is to you.  Always provide your Martian with specific examples where he impresses you with his manly behavior.  Remember, the comments you provide must be genuinely felt and true.  When you remind him of his greatness at home, this will positively translate to the way he treats you and how he performs in the other areas of his life.

Contrastingly, for Venusians, the causes of happiness are different than the Martians.  The Venusian woman wants to feel connected with the people around her.  

She equates happiness with the strength of her connections, at home, with friends, and at work.  Also, she wants to be in touch and loved by all those around her.  She hates being alone and lonely and wants to always be a part of something and included.  

If she has a problem in this area, like with her husband, her happiness levels severely drop. This causes her oxytocin levels to drop as well.  

At this point she is in need of recharging which is possible best thorough conversation, hugs, and bonding with friends, family, close loved ones, etc…

Martians, if you find your Venusian to be unhappy, this could be a result of the increased emotional distance between you.  Have you been distant from your Venusian and in the cave?  Please understand that this affects your Venusian negatively and she severely misses you.  Try to make “quality” time with her.  An excellent step is to actively listen to her, without providing any advice or solutions.  By taking a step towards bonding with her, her happiness levels will be positively affected.

Readers, I have provided you with a very brief framework of how to find your happiness.  If you are Martian or Venusian, single or married, it is to your benefit to see the world from differing perspectives.  You all deserve happiness, all the time, and I hope this framework will assist you in achieving this. 

I look forward to hearing from you and connecting with you with your questions, comments, and stories.  All the best to you in finding the happiness in your life!