The Point System, How Men & Women Keep Score Differently

Dear readers, it’s so nice to connect with you once again!

This month I would like to address an important scoring system that is going on in our daily lives.  No, I am not talking about football games or any other sport.  This system affects our moods, our ability to think, and really, our lives.  Dr. John Gray, author of the bestselling book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, calls it ‘the point system’. 

The point system is basically a scoring system that both men and women use in their relationships to gauge the balance between them.  Typically, points are counted by both parties surrounding the amount they have given and the amount they have received.  So, for example, whenever you do something nice, you give yourself a point/s and whenever you receive something nice, you give your partner a point/s.  So, seems simple enough right?  Not so fast.  Remember men and women are hardwired differently and therefore their counting system does not follow the same standard.  How could it?  Did you forget that men are from Mars and women are from Venus?

Dr. John Gray talks in depth about the point system in his book and describes these among many other differences.  He explains that women count points in “singles” so no matter how big or small the token of love is, it only scores one point.  Each thought counts once.  Men, on the other hand, count points as a measure of size and value, so it is typical to give away multiple points at any time.  Can you see how this can lead to a slight problem?

Married Couples

Let’s take a look at how this works in the home.  The husband goes to work, and comes back, in the mind of the woman he gets two points, one for going and one for coming back, no more no less.  In the husband’s mind, the more money he makes, should translate into more points, so he may give himself 20 and 30 points a day where she only gave her husband two.  In the husband’s mind, the more money he is making should translate into more points, but this is not the case on Venus.  

When it comes to her, she also went to work then she came home and dealt with the kids, the maids, the house, so she gets four points.  So, in the wife’s mind there is an imbalance.  She has done the math and found that her four points are much more than his two points, and the relationship is uneven which will make her unhappy.    

Special Occasions

With Valentine’s Day coming up, many men are giving their Venusians flowers, which is an excellent gesture of love and care.  Martians beware, even with flowers, there is a point system.  Men believe that a large bouquet of five dozen roses is equivalent to something close to 1,000 points and as this is a large gesture of love, after this bouquet, he doesn’t have to give her another bouquet for another year, at least.  Sound familiar?  Well Martians, this is not what the understanding is on Venus.  On Venus, a gift counts as one point no matter how large or how small.  A bouquet of a thousand roses is equivalent to one rose, they both get one point.  So Martians, if you want to score points with flowers, Dr. Gray’s research suggests another approach, buy her a single rose once a week, every week or on a continuous basis.  This will count much more and make your Venusian happier and more loving.

Dealing with the Point System

Now we are aware that there is a point system, so how does one ensure that the relationship is balanced? 

Martians

• Give your Venusian about 20 minutes of undivided attention and allow her to tell you about her day. Be attentive and listen.
• Help and assist without your Venusian asking for help.
• Flowers are excellent. Make sure to send a continuous stream and not necessarily in large quantities.       
• A hug. Actually, Venusians needs four hugs a day!  

Venusians

• Compliment and reward your Martians for his efforts and acknowledge that your Martian has done something nice.
• Allow yourself to need your Martians help
• Accept assistance from your Martians even if you feel you may do it in a different/preferred way.

Readers, I have tried to pass you the basics of this very important concept but as with anything, there are varieties of this issue and each situation may be very different than the other.  If you would like more insight surrounding this subject, please feel free to contact me with your questions, queries, stories, or comments, I would love to hear from you!

I wish you balanced relationships!